this grey spirit... yearning in desire

And I know its all my fault. I know I deserve all this. I had such a wonderful person and I pushed him away and took him for granted. I hate everyone’s advice. They are all wrong. There is no one in the world like him. There won’t be another love of my life like this. Maybe its easier for him. There are other beautiful women, other intelligent people full of life. My instinct is to show him how I feel. To fly back this second, to fight for love. But the only thing I will be fighting is him. His wishes and feelings. He hates being told what to do and I can’t disrespect his decision by trying to convince him to stay with me. How do I act like everything is ok? How do I keep my best friend and know that he is working on having a beautiful family and life with someone else? I don’t care what people say. I am not strong, I am not the strongest person they know. No one knows our relationship. I ruined my life by being scared. I will never ever have happiness like I could have had. I want to go home so badly, but I’m afraid to feel the emptiness there. I’m afraid to go back to no money and giant bills and friends who are all happy couples and families. I don’t want to hear how I’m not welcome at his house, by his side. I have no safe place. I no longer have a home. He was my home. I can’t breathe, I can’t eat. I am supposed to be strong for him and keep our interactions pleasant. I don’t want to ruin being his friend, too. But I want him to comfort me so badly. I want him to help me decide what to do. I want him to take me home.

I thought I didn’t need someone. I thought I needed to get away from everything I knew. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I did this to myself. All I want to do is go home, but to what? Half of the things I’ve been looking forward to are gone. He’s supposed to still be my best friend, but I know it won’t last. He wants someone. Someone who should have been me. She won’t like me hanging around. He says no one can make him do anything, but its not about that. He will care more about her than he does about me and won’t even want to do all of the things we said. It’s all my fault. I shoved and pushed him away every chance I got. I thought I needed to be alone. I thought there were things in my life I needed to do alone. Being here for a year has just shown me I’m wrong. I’m so lonely. But not just for anyone, but my best friend. I lost the chance to support him and be supported by him through every step of our lives. To have a family with him. I told him so many times I didn’t want children, mostly because I still felt a child myself. I thought I would never be ready. It would be too hard, it would make me ugly. It’s only now that I see that being beautiful to him is more important than being beautiful to millions of strangers. And I know with his support I could do anything. He is the kindest, most caring and loving person I have ever met. He would deny this, of course, but he has such a beautiful calm and gentle nature that comes through to the ones he loves. Of course he doesn’t believe me when I say I want to come home, want to live with him, want to start a family. The thing is, only with him could I do those things. I criticized him at every turn. And now it seems like I am changing my opinions just so I don’t lose him. It is possible, I.can only see with time. But I think things in my life have never been clearer. To journey through life by his side is the sweetest adventure I could hope for. I tried to be strong I talked such a tough game. I didn’t realize until now that a life with him was always on my mind. When I got art I thought about how it would mix with his collection, when I saw an opera, I thought of him, when I imagined myself getting married, he was always standing at the end of the aisle…

I was scared to revisit tumblr, because then that might make me feel as though I should write about everything that is happening. Turns out Matt is extremely upset with me for deciding to move. He has been extremely hurt by the fact that I haven’t moved to be with him in Dekalb, and lonely. It breaks my heart to hear him cry. I want to wrap up his little body in a soft blanket and take care of him. So we might not survive me going. It is actually probably pretty likely, according to him. This is upsetting. So is the fact that my mom said she cried sometimes when thinking of me going. It has been so long since I said I would take the job. I definitely still want to do it and still want to go; I haven’t changed my mind. But this waiting and dragging it out is driving me insane. I am slowly crossing off the things that need to be done before I go. Not much left to do and yet still so much. I know when I leave I will cry and cry. I am not very good with change nor am I good with things stagnating. So I will make this change and cry a lot and then hopefully stop crying and have a good time. I will have a week with Matt before I leave. Hopefully we have a lot of sex and cuddles and wonderful moments. There are some magic morsels waiting for us, which always brings us so close together. He is a little baby bird. I have a lot of stationery and little cards and my wax and signet so I can send a lot of interesting things in the mail. I hope this isn’t a mistake. I won’t let it be a mistake.

Just booked my flight! Leaving July 30th! 17 hour layover in Hong Kong! Woo!

That feel when you diced hot peppers earlier in the evening and, with your fingers still burning, start to touch yourself.